Because I will never do anything I love without gusto, I want to start with a HUGE concept and work to pick it apart while building YOU up.
It's a pesky, helpful, patience trying, and oh-so-rewarding life tool and skill-set called...
*Gulp!* You either have boundaries, don't have them, think you have them or are afraid/ignorant of them (which is really the same as not having them sister-friend).
I want to help you learn your boundaries so you can set them with purpose, and keep them with conviction.
Before you even set a personal boundary, you have to know what your personal rights are; my therapist taught me the mental health concept of Your Personal Bill of Rights.
As women there can be both an inner drive and a social influence to be everything for everyone. As you and I both know first-hand (not an assumption, just common reality) this "push" is exhausting, unachievable, and completely damaging to our self-worth.
The super-rad part about all of this, is that at any point, ANY POINT, we have an opportunity to turn our "current state" around and get our life on the right track.
A Personal Bill of Rights allows you to respect yourself while respecting others. This is where you become assertive.
You know what else your PBR (not the beer...still the "rights") does? It combats GUILT, SHAME, & COMPARISON.Whaaahooo! Win.Win.Win
Here are some basic Rights:
- I have the right to ask for what I want
- I have the right to be healthier than those around me
- I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet
- I have the right to be uniquely myself
- I have the right to change my mind
- I have the right to be happy
- I have the right to expect honesty from others
- I have the right to make mistakes
- I have the right to my own needs for personal space & time
You can also put some in the "I DO NOT have the right" format:
- I do not have the right to take other people's problems on as my own (this was a tough one for me for a long time as I had a tendency to ALWAYS be a listening ear, a chronic helper, a fixer)
- I do not have the right to violate others
- I do not have the right to tell someone how they feel
Use this week to think of and write down your rights; you will need to be 100% clear on what you deserve. Though not a must, think about the results you want from each right (consider the "why"). Is it more time to take care of yourself so that you're present in your relationships? Is it living a healthier life so you manage your stress better? Example: I have the right to exercise weekly. Now, what's your motivator so you protect this right. Is it... "I sleep better, can play with my kids, and set a healthy example for my family." Truly think about the version of yourself on the other side of these rights:
- how does she feel mentally and physically?
- what does she do in her down-time?
- who are her friends? who is she in quality relationships with?
As you get more specific, put your list somewhere you will see it daily. I had mine on my fridge for several years. By looking at them frequently, you get to decide whether you connect to them or not. Notice how you feel as you read them. If you don't like one...change it!
I'm here if you want to reach out for help, to share your favorites, or just tell me this work is hard. It is hard, and I promise the more you try to write these out, the easier setting & sticking to them will be.